So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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