also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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