not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
