I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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