Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Randomize
