Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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