Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
