I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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