i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As shirtless as possible
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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