My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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