Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
vagina is talking i cant
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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