He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
