I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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