If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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