Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
