Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
