i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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