I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
