Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sacagawea was the original milf.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
