Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
