if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
