Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
