I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
