To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
