Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
