Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
