when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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