She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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