I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
