I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
