Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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