I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
