how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
