If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So many bounce houses so little time
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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