note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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