it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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