He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
