I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
