Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
