I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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