I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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