In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize