I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
