I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
