I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
