If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
