I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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