So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
