Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize