You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
