Cold hands, warm shart.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
