They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
