Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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