All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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