Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
