I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
