sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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