dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
