Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize