i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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